The Bigotry and other evils of The Monster Mash By Bobby "Boris" Pickett

I've been listening to a lot of Bobby "Boris" Pickett lately, and I gotta say, the Monster Mash lore is fascinating, yet despicable, like a good true crime story. There is a lot of very compelling lore to the universe of The Monster Mash, but be warned, it is quite revolting and will likely irreparably damage your perception of Bobby "Boris" Pickett. No longer can I view him, as billion's of others around the world do, as a relatively noble entertainer, worthy of his success.

For those who are unshaken by such a warning, you may proceed, albeit with some caution, but for those who don't think they can take such a painful, earth-shattering revelation, turn back now. There is no shame in knowing your limits.

So the first awful act occurs in the hit song Monster Mash from the 1962 album The Original Monster Mash, it is established that Bobby "Boris" Pickett is not the creator of the dance, but the creator of the monster (Igor) that made the mash, which was actually plagiarised from Dracula's Transylvania Twist:

What ever happened to my Transylvania Twist? (Its now the mash)

Considering the fact that Dracula was reported to be "part of the band" at the end of Monster Mash (no doubt as an inferior form of hush money), you may believe that Drac and Bobby "Boris" Pickett are on good terms. There is still tension, albeit one-way, present on next track Rabian - The Fiendage Idol however, as Dracula politely asks the famous thief for a favour: to give his friend Rabian an opportunity to show his worth and hopefully collaborate. Bobby "Boris" Pickett responds with his soon-to-be characteristic egotistical response, lamenting that since he had a hit record and "made all this bread" his monsters have been asking for favours from their selfish master. He then hits Drac with another "bl**d-s*cker" slur as he relents and gives Rabian a chance. After being impressed he threatens to gentrify Rabians image and condescendingly sends him away with a "don't call us we'll call you". Horrific behavior.

Blood Bank Blues is performed by unproblematic king Dracula, so it is relatively controversy-free to begin with, as he simply opens up about the challenges of vampirism, but Bobby "Boris" Pickett refuses to give up his spotlight for even a single song, so he does make an appearance in which he threatens to singe Dracula's wings. Dracula, who is rightfully upset but still displaying his famous composure, shares with the world via Bobby "Boris" Pickett's own album, that "[Bobby] "Boris" [Pickett] put a stake in my girl's heart", which, given his blatant racism towards vampires throughout the record is undoubtedly a hate crime.

Then the album explores another aspect of Bobby "Boris" Pickett's cruelty, as he forces Igor into work in Graveyard Shift. It isn't clear whether Igor (or any other monster that is confirmed to be working for Bobby "Boris" Pickett in this song) is getting paid, but given they are in a band with a very successful hit song and Igor expresses anxiety around the idea, it isn't much of a stretch to assume that this is at least some form of exploitation.

Next song Skully Gully is frankly hard for me to dissect. I feel as though there is some skelephobia here, but I'm honestly not well educated enough on this topic to expose it. If there are any skeletons reading this, I'd love to hear your perspective on this song if you'd be willing to share.

More monsterism follows as the album reaches Wolfbane, a song in which Bobby "Boris" Pickett spouts every anti-werewolf stereotype going, from the notion that werewolfs only want to "chew people up", to the infantilising idea that they just want to play but can't keep themselves from getting carried away. Not just that though, he ridicules the features of werewolves and depicts them as ugly and undesirable, criticizes their clothes for not being "continental", and makes the assumption that a werewolf is related to the only other werewolf he is known to have interacted with at this point, Rabian. And while we are on the topic of Rabian, this song surely retrospectively casts some light on Bobby "Boris" Pickett's treatment of him in his eponymous song. It felt like there was something off about that, and I think this is why.

This next one gets ugly. Real ugly. Monster Minuet opens with what seems to be Bobby "Boris" Pickett apologetically reaching out to Dracula by giving him and his wife a warm welcome to the former's party, but things quickly spiral out of control. Natural charmer Count Dracula then compliments the "ladies in waiting", calling them "beautiful", to which an endlessly despicable Bobby "Boris" Pickett interjects referring to them as "slimy old ghouls". The discomfort continues as Bobby "Boris" Pickett asks Vampyra for "the pleasure of this minuet", which neither Vampyra nor Dracula feel very comfortable with, judging from the Countess' silence (not to mention the fact that Bobby "Boris" Pickett is reported to have tried to kill her) and Dracula's protestations.

Admittedly, Dracula didn't need to make things as tense as he did with his comment "There could hardly be any pleasure dancing with you", but his being on edge is totally justified considering the host's previous behaviour, which he was all too willing to revisit as he responds with a slur, biting back with "who asked you, f*ng-f*ce?"

The creaturism continues with Bobby "Boris" Pickett going after the fact that Dracula sleeps all day (a natural result of being biologically unable to leave the house in the daytime), and reusing his favourite ant-vampiric slur "bl**d-s*cker", and the "song" eventually ends with Bobby "Boris" Pickett referring to Countess Vampyra as a "snaggle-toothed bag of bones". A disgusting display of bigotry all round from Bobby "Boris" Pickett on this one. It's a very difficult listen.

The next song is a defiant instrumental from Dracula, the long awaited redebut of Transylvania Twist. Bobby "Boris" Pickett tries to deny its boppiness, but by the end even he has to admit "its a rocker!" It's not much, but it's good to see the true creative genius of the album get a win, despite such a powerful man trying to keep him down.

The record doesn't stay positive for long though, as Bobby "Boris" Pickett shamelessly pens a song with a thinly-veiled dancing metaphor for killing his workers, in particular Yanwish the Ghoul, as both a form of punishment for minor failings and just for sadistic fun. This is truly a whole new level of evil from Bobby "Boris" Pickett. Of course, we know that he attempted to murder Countess Vampyra in a hate crime, but this song displays such a shamelessness and lack of accountability that it terrifies anyone who cares about any of these workers.

Me & My Mummy is worth a brief mention, as Bobby "Boris" Pickett adds nuance to his character with an anthem about loving, and being attracted to those who aren't conventionally attractive. He still manages to be a bigot about it, but this is at least some growth that warrants a mention. If he keeps this progress up for a millennium he may not be a despicable person.

Unproblematic king Count Dracula returns to demonstrate true leadership credentials in contrast to Bobby "Boris" Pickett's totalitarian approach. He continues to innovate as Bobby "Boris" Pickett continues to rest on his laurels after the success of Monster Mash, with Drac flying out to Transylvania to work out a new dance, The Monster Motion. He consistently provides calm, constructive criticism as he works out the kinks of their new project. Yet another win against the odds from the hero of this story.

In the next song, The Monsters' Mash Party Frankenstein, here nicknamed "Frankie", opens the song by begging to be unchained so that he can Mash. Bobby "Boris" Pickett cruelly refuses to free him in a harrowing opening to another despicable song. It doesn't end there though, as Bobby "Boris" Pickett in the next verse greets Drac's statement of preference for his own people's dance with a condescending and hateful "Who asked you, bl**ds*cker?", the third instance of that slur in the album, and fourth anti-vampiric slur out the mouth of Bobby "Boris" Pickett by my count.

The next song is Irresistible Igor, which expresses very minor evils compared to the rest of the awful behaviour on display in this album. Bobby "Boris" Pickett takes a shot at Igor's looks, while praising his ability to break hearts, by seemingly leading women on for one night stands and then ghosting them. A cruel thing to do, for sure, but not particularly noteworthy amongst so much immorality.

In the next song Bella's Bash, he continues to berate and slander Dracula while again taking credit for a dance that Igor stole from Dracula,

Hope they didn't bring Drac, he's no friend of mine His jealousy is widely known Doesn't dig my Mash he's got a dance of his own

After that, he then appears to visit Dracula, who is also apparently having a party, and judgementally asks to see his dance, which it appears he has had to modify since the original was robbed, decredited and sold to widespread acclaim. To make matters worse, Bobby "Boris" Pickett chooses to judge Drac's new dance (as a wrongfully respected choreographer) in front of Dracula's own children. Then he disrespects his dance by claiming that its not accessible to people outside of his creature group and is supposedly therefore inferior, contributing to a general theme in this album of Bobby "Boris" Pickett being in favour of total cultural assimilation.

Also, for those keeping count, there is yet another use of the bl**ds*cker slur from Bobby "Boris" Pickett in this track.

Trigger warning on this next song for non-consensual pornography. Bobby "Boris" Pickett continues to demonstrate his exploitation of his spooky subjects, and particular bullying of Dracula as the next "song" on the album Let's Fly Away appears to be a recording of Dracula making love to Vampyra, likely without their consent, with them moaning each other's names.

Thankfully, the album comes to a close now with Monster's Holiday. It starts as an act of resistance against discrimination from Santa, who presumably ignored them up until that point. To retaliate, the monsters planned to rob Santa's sleigh, but as they were about to act on it, Santa actually gave them gifts, putting an end to that particular form of discrimination. It's nice to have the album end on such a hopeful note, following such an inundation of bigotry and harm.

So I suppose that leaves us with two respectable stances on The Original Monster Mash.

1. It's creator, Bobby "Boris" Pickett, is an evil man who made art about those evils with no self-awareness whatsoever due to his inflated ego.

2. The Original Monster Mash is an avant-garde masterpiece in which Bobby "Boris" Pickett is intended to be a villainous protagonist, demanding the listener pay close attention to the narrative of the story to gain a full understanding.

I'm not sure which is the intended interpretation, but I will be treating the album with benefit of the doubt (after all, innocent people were involved in it's creation too, such as unproblematic king Dracula), but I will be treating Bobby "Boris" Pickett with suspicion from now on.